Man! Dude! Session #186

(D)ude: Man! The Republicans are very dishonest when their focus as the GOP boils to oil drilling enterprises at home and abroad. The casualties of their greed are alienated even more when oil spills and other environmental disasters due to their enterprising like fracking and extracting billions of dollars worth of barrels of oil from remote locales like the Amazon Rainforest’s Yasuni basin in Ecuador, home to more tree wildlife species than in all of North America! And let’s not forget the indigenous people living there right now and afraid of permanent damage to their ancestral grounds.

(M)an: Dude! The United Nations and President Rafael Correa of Ecuador are going to be exploiting the Yasuni basin in a matter of just a few weeks. The Amazon Rainforest is a rich source of ecology lessons waiting revelation. It is sad when the GOP and the American Press totally play out a swooping unawareness of issues like the one unfolding about the Yasuni basin.

D: Man! Did you see Diane Sawyer on ABC News last night? The ABC News crew in Cairo, Egypt conveniently placed an unemotional Muslim Egyptian woman on camera with obviously rehearsed dialogue that conveyed clearly what the ABC News folks wanted to hear the lady say- that the survivors of the bloody Cairo unrest would construct the next terrorist plot against the United States.

M: Dude! The GOP is an association of shameless scoundrels that includes ABC News!

D: Man! The Egyptian woman was just as spurious as the bad actors and actresses on Faux News!

M: Dude! Yes, the folks at ABC News and Faux News are unconvincing daytime soap opera rejects!

D: Man! Ecuador is part of OPEC, the Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries, which is a cartel, meaning that producers and manufacturers at competing firms are in agreement, which results in fixed prices, fixed marketing, and fixed production that yields increase in profits for all members through the reduction of competition.

M: Dude! Sounds like there could be a parallelism between OPEC and drug cartels, no?

D: Man! Cartels are just formal agreements made between competing producers and manufacturers of, in the case of OPEC, petroleum exports. And, get this, Ecuador joined in 1973 at the time of Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford, left OPEC in 1992 at the time of Clinton and Gore and then returned in 2007 at the time of George W. Cheney.

M: Dude! I think the Republican GOP and George H. W. and George W. Bush particularly were the unofficial American OPEC affiliates because the transitional government set into place by the United 

States via Lewis Paul Bremer and Great Britain via Jeremy Q. Greenstock, referred to simply as the Coalition Provisional Authority, following the 2003 invasion of Iraq, was cloaked in mystery. And remember that the Office for Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance, or ORHA, was established in Iraq just two months before its 2003 invasion by the United States government.

D: Man! Could it possibly be that this xenophobia towards the Muslim World that was fostered again and again by the Republican Party was being set into motion since Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford and Ronald Reagan?

M: Dude! Gerald Ford was Nixon’s successor, Nelson Rockefeller was Ford’s vice president, and George H. W. Bush was vice president to President Reagan!

D: Man! They all had planned to advance into the Middle East and had been coordinating and organizing their revenge upon the Muslim World!

M: Dude! Do you think that they pumped xenophobia into their psyches and the American heartland’s as well towards the Muslim world through strategic austerity measures like President Reagan’s chipping away at President Carter’s creation of a Department of Education?

D: Man! What exactly did President Reagan say about President Carter’s creating the Department of Education?

M: Dude! Reagan called US A Nation at Risk because of the influx of student immigrants coming to the United States to study and live, believed that the integration that President Carter oversaw from the creation of such a department as that of education, was leading to mediocrity. I think President Reagan was steadfastly against the racial integration that was resulting slowly but steadily throughout the sixties, seventies, and eighties.

D: Man! What about reverse discrimination?

M: Dude! Reverse discrimination was the alternative name given to affirmative action by President Reagan. Clearly, President Reagan was the most influential Republican leader to voice what has, I believe, led to these fringe extremists on the conservative right side.

D: Man! I’m afraid that you may be onto something here!

M: Dude! I’m afraid you may really have a point there!

D: Man! What are we going to do?

M: Dude! First, we have to get these voter restrictions thrown out. Second, we have got to get the multicultural majority of the American Electorate to realize how crucial their exercising their right to vote is to the midterms! We have to get out and vote with the same courage and fighting spirit that has persevered our democracy and made US persevere.

D: Man! What do you think is happening or taking place right now if we are indifferent or fall into the mode of helplessness?

M: Dude! We’re in trouble! The fringe conservatives are going to topple US through a period of cultural decline, like in the Hellenistic era that led to the medieval slump that led to a Renaissance that led to Descartes, Spinoza, and Kant, which led to Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Marx, which led to Dewey, Sartre, and so on and so forth!

D: Man! Like the conflagration of the Royal Library of Alexandria, let knowledge and culture not be destroyed through the destruction of rainforests and mosques and churches and lives due to the Republican GOP and its moneymaking schemes! I would much rather choose liberty and love and liberalism than to give someone like Paul Ryan or Rand Paul the glib satisfaction of being the chosen and spoiled whores of the Brothers Koch and the two-percent!

M: Dude! Dude! Dude!

Man! Dude! Session #185

(M)an: Dude! President Obama is coming under fire for not blocking financial aide to Egypt. Haven’t we already learned the value of continuing aide and refraining from taking a militaristic stand one way or other? Look at the ghost nations of Iraq and Afghanistan!

(D)ude: Man! President George W. Bush deliberately fumbled by sending in troops through Operation Iraqi Freedom and then via the War in Afghanistan, but had no concrete plan of action to address our countless American sons and daughters in uniform who were to become maimed or killed as a result of those two heinously scripted War on Terror theatres.

M: Dude! The United States of America has too much going on in its own gerrymandering Republican Party for US to lose focus on the war on women and minorities at home via voter suppression and middle of the night legislation that totally overlooks the changing demographics and progressive diversity within our ever changing democracy.  

D: Man! Withdrawing aide to Egypt is dangerous in these times of cheating and lying and underhanded dealings within the GOP. The United States of America is the battleground that needs crucial intervention and recourse. Texas alone has closed down all but five Planned Parenthood Clinics statewide and implemented oppressive voter identification laws that will negatively affect Youth, Blacks, and Hispanics especially.

M: Dude! The GOP is orchestrating voter suppression of Youth, Blacks, and Hispanics on the home front, yet they want to interfere on behalf of the  Egyptians abroad?

D: Man! Yeah, right! Like Senator Rand Paul and Representative Louie Gohmert will be totally accepting of North African Muslims and their customs in nations like Egypt!

M: Dude! The Republican Party has sanctions inside enemy lines from which they retrieve funds for their own personal wealth. That’s why it is so important for the GOP male and/or female to give clearances to a Republican president to implement war and loot the treasures of the targeted foreigners. George W. Bush most likely looted the gold in Iraq in 2003 under the pretense to the American people that what was found, eleven hundred gold-colored bars, were just 64 percent copper and 34 percent zinc.

D: Man! Countries like Japan are suffering because of the Republican GOP Sequestration and the hardheaded austerity adopted by the Congressional Republicans. The John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Paul Ryan triage asininity is being laughed at and copied in North Korea and Zimbabwe, where the GOP is yet another reason why undemocratic principles should prevail.

M: Dude! The United States does set precedence in every sphere of existence abroad!

D: Man! The United States is not a pack of unworldly and obscene Republican GOP canaries! It just happens that these offensive canaries have escaped otherwise numbered days by fraudulent manipulations of the law and reprehensible rules of conduct.

M: Dude! The unworldly and obscene Republican GOP canaries want to withdraw funding to Egypt, much like how they are trying to end free lunches for the children of disenfranchised American families.

D: Man! The Republican Party is a pack of wolves that are earnestly trying to revive the Brothers Grimm fairy tales for America’s most vulnerable: Our children!

M: Dude! And what exactly would Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain do? Place that money taken from Egypt’s aide and interject some mayhem into nearby Syria?

D: Man! I think the GOP is much like the peace loving performers who drafted the 1984 song, “Do they know it’s Christmas?” Inadvertently, they interjected ethnocentrism despite wanting to raise money for famine relief in Ethiopia, which, by the way, they did accomplish.

M: Dude! Do you think the Republican Party also thinks that Christmas is the only time to put ones arms around the world? That they too are going to be singing platitudes like, “At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade” or “And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime, the greatest gift they’ll get this year is life, where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow. Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?”

D: Man! The GOP similarly talks through its pockets, not its mouths! That’s how we end up with sappy tunes and jingles such as President George P. Bush and Vice President Bobby Jindal!

M: Dude! How can you even imagine another GOP presidential love fest? The USA cannot move forward with such oppressive dingbats like President Rand Paul and Vice President Marco Rubio!

D: Man! And such flakes like President Chris Christie and Vice President Mike Huckabee!

M: Dude! And such screwballs like President Ted Cruz and Vice President Louie Gohmert!

D: Man! And such dingbats like President Ron Johnson and Vice President Kristi Noem!

M: Dude! And such flakes like President Sean Duffy and Vice President Tim Scott!

D: Man! And such screwballs like President Rick Santorum and Vice President Adam Kinzinger!

M: Dude! Much ado about nothing but war and austerity in the Republican Party!

D: Man! Much a deux about nobodies essentially inside the GOP!

M: Dude! Reince Priebus and Michael Steele are the Republican think tanks!

D: Man! Reince Priebus and Michael Steele are the Republican septic tanks!

M: Dude! Rinse and steal! Steal and rinse! 

Man! Dude! Session #184

(D)ude: Man! Mayor Cory Booker of New Jersey makes my facial hair follicles grow grey hairs. I don’t think the guy’s trustworthy. The Zen practitioner within me says that he lost his marbles since President Obama’s ascension to two-term president. Booker turned down the offer in 2009 to head the White House Office of Urban Affairs Policy because, according to my chakras, Booker sincerely hopes to run for and win the presidency on his own accord. There is no accordance coming his way anytime soon, accept probably an actual Honda Accord if Booker decides to make such a purchase.

(M)an: Dude! Are your chakras aware that Cory Booker is a 2014 Democratic candidate for U.S. Senator from the Garden State?

D: Man! Yeah. However, the Zen practitioner within me says that Booker is a subliminal Republican. His speech is incongruent, mismatched, and jagged like that of a typical wishy-washy member of the new millennium GOP.

M: Dude! The Zen practitioner within you is mistaken because Cory Booker is a man of his word. He lived in Newark’s Central Ward housing complex Brick Towers for eight years before moving to another neighborhood in Newark’s South Ward that actually was overrun by drugs and gangs.

D: Man! Really? My chakras are shocked! It’s beginning to get cold like in December and January, isn’t it? I think I had better take a hot shower and forget to not let go of the air within me as well. Wait! After my accusatory rant, I think I am worthy of being subjected to that hypoallergenic bubble bath solution from Avon. Do you think I could be an Avon guy?

M: Dude! Are you a woman needing empowerment and stability?

D: Man! Yeah? I mean, look at my getup as a Zen practitioner collapse! I felt so much positive energy that I criticized in error!

M: Dude! Don’t feel too let down by yourself. There are always the Senate primaries with Republican pratfall scraps like Mitch McConnell in Kentucky, Liz Cheney in Wyoming, the three-kook ninnies Paul Broun, Phil Gingrey, and Jack Kingston in Georgia.

D: Man! Talking about three-kook ninnies, John Boehner, Eric Cantor, and Paul Ryan had been rendezvousing with the Koch Brothers in the Albuquerque Santa Ana winds. Reminded me of the Belinda Carlisle song Summer Rain.   

M: Dude! I remember the rain on our skin and his kisses hotter than the Santa Ana winds. Whispering our goodbyes, waiting for a train, I was dancing with my baby in the summer rain, I remember laughing until we almost cried there at the station that night, I remember looking in his eyes.

D: Man! Oh my love, it’s you that I dream of, oh my love, since that day, somewhere in my heart I’m always dancing with you in the summer rain. Doesn’t matter what I do now, doesn’t matter what I say, somewhere in my heart I’m always dancing with you in the summer rain.

M: Dude! Really, I-

D: Man! I’m not finished with the song! Wait! I can hear the whistle, military train, I was dancing with my baby in the summer rain.

M: Dude! Really, I- Hey! I do plan on staying with the song! Promise! Really, I believe it is a military train that the Republican GOP wants boarded up with both our sons and daughters in uniform as well as tar sands oil loads that will probably break and disperse an ecological havoc upon our aquifers and virgin lands.

D: Man! Due to all the fracking around the Metroplex and the decay of even the hardiest rosebushes around town, the current flower with the potential promise of surviving some tomorrows being the zinnia, I’m thinking of Carole King’s I Feel The Earth Move!

M: Dude! The earth will, I agree, be moving more than ever before. And, yes, the sky will be tumbling down lesser and lesser as the scorching sun burns harder and harder.

D: Man! Google News posted a recurring article from Faux News describing the plausible hazards of the added heat due to the depletion of our natural resources due to global warming. Faux News stressed that violence and war would be escalating all over the globe, yet their stand-ins on the Faux Network steadfast deny and renounce that humanity is the causal factor for global warming.

M: Dude! The Republican media is swept away by its own contradictions. On the one hand, they want violence and war to warm their pockets and speak of the global phenomenon as plausible. But then when the issue of regulations and government intervening on behalf of humanity comes into the picture, the GOP cry out foul talk denouncing everything but deregulations and no government involvement what so ever.   

D: Man! They think they can escape to the tropics where their tax havens are and enjoy the air and sand and water freely, while people like US cannot even afford such trips to environmental luxuries. Instead, we are subjected to watching the vegetation dwindle. I honestly think that fracking is causing the sudden increases in sinkholes. Fracking ought to be regulated by the federal government because otherwise, we’re the ones who will suffer the consequences and aftermath.

M: Dude! Senator Barbara Boxer of California brought up similar points to the ones you just made, but specifically focused on the California wildfires. And a Republican House member who has the gumption to maintain longtime membership on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology rebuked her at his town hall meeting! Representative Dana Rohrabacher’s audience agreed with such asinine laughter!  

D: Man! No wonder the Supreme Court male justices wrecked the most important component of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 and deferred the Affirmative Action case to the lower courts. They are a clever half-dozen! I think, going back to a point you made earlier, that the male justices on the Supreme Court of the United States are partisan players in the political spheres of the Republican Party, even Justices Kennedy and Breyer. The two are a twosome: I’ll take that and you can take the other mentality for sure!

M: Dude! I’m afraid of the likes of Representative Dana Rohrabacher of California are encouraging a devolutionary movement in the white flight towns across the United States. Take a look at the creationist Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, the land of Senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul. The Creation Museum attracts even people with no interest in its religious messaging by installing zip lines that have caught on with the nonreligious locales.

D: Man! The Republicans are so contradictory in their actions that they would be in need of scare and cheating tactics in order to survive!

M: Dude! Like Gloria Gaynor sang so urgently, Go on now [Republican GOP] go walk out the door, just turn around now, because you’re not welcome anymore!

Sahir Ludhianvi (1921-1980), "The Scales of Justice", p.471, translated from the Hindi-Urdu by Alverston & Associates.

Sahir Ludhianvi (1921-1980), "The Scales of Justice", p.471, translated from the Hindi-Urdu by Alverston & Associates.

“The Scales of Justice”

To whomever taking the scales of justice in hand

Know by heart that you must weigh all the offenses accurately!

If not, our future historians might bear in mind more than all else,

Including the particulars of the criminal justice system,

That judges were the ones who carried out absolute oppression

Even when we the people presented evidential grievances

And placed in front of the judges’ eyes evincive destruction of our dejected hearts,

They did not believe!

Unable to show impartiality,

And by their own deeds and this practice of predilection,

These judges augmented the licentious desires

Of those base criminals!

To whomever taking the scales of justice in his hands,

Keep in mind this point perpetually:

Above all the judiciaries, there is another judge

The proprietor de facto,

Aware of every condition, and sentient of all pursuits

Good and evil!

Henceforth, the ones who are in despair

By the judicial decisions of this world,

It may happenchance one day

That He shall place their complaints in His court

It may happenchance one day

That His scales of justice shall once again weigh

Upon the compulsions of those base criminals

And announce His verdict!

This very soul trembles at such supreme decisiveness!

Sahir Ludhianvi (1921-1980), "The Scales of Justice", p.471, translated from the Hindi-Urdu by Alverston & Associates.

Man! Dude! Session #183

(M)an: Dude! Your nieces were the utmost sophisticates yesterday at that barbeque.

(D)ude: Man! Really? What about them convinced you they were worthy to be held that high socially?

M: Dude! I was sitting here reading the latest issue of Architectural Digest and they came by and sat down diagonally from me. They reassured me that I could buy whatever gift I wanted to for them and that the real highlight of any gifting occasion was my presence.

D: Man! Did you gift them anything beforehand?

M: Dude! Yes.

D: Man! How many hours prior to their beneficent entreaty?

M: Dude! They’re only seven and six-years-old! And, by the way, it mustn’t have been but four hours since my gifting them the latest Barbie.

D: Man! What exact words did they choose to convey their appeal?

M: Dude! You can gift us whatever present you like. Any gift would be thoughtful and it’s your attendance at the party that will have mattered most. You know, our cousins rarely accept the invites to play and celebrate with us on special occasions.

D: Man! You should have responded in kind!

M: Dude! I did! Your thoughtful regards and honest-to-goodness sincerity are much appreciated. I will take into account your generosity and goodwill when making my next trip to the mall on your behalf.

D: Man! That’s rather stiff upper lipped! Did they have smocking on their dresses that matched the kerchief in your vest pocket?

M: Dude! Of course! And of course!

D: Man! Maybe the advanced level sensibilities of kids these days will help in the overall protection of 

democratic principles. I don’t get it. The Republican Party is confiscating and sequestrating and no one is calling them out for the actions they are taking. It’s like white supremacists running amok at the state and local levels of government. It’s dangerous on so many levels.

M: Dude! The Republican Party is the twenty-first century version of totalitarianism. They are suppressing the votes of the constituency through the guise of strict voter identification requirements. I don’t understand how the United States GOP can talk about interventions in the Middle East and elsewhere when they are instituting such oppressive measures on the homeland.

D: Man! Stalin and Lenin were revered, much like how the conservative constituency is blinded by the Faux News mentalities that make money off of their white supremacist idealism. Those who benefitted the most since the Citizens United decree, clearly bought the Supreme Court justices who killed one of the most significant parts of the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

M: Dude! Sitting Supreme Court Justices Scalia and Thomas have actually attended events like the one held by the Koch brothers in Albuquerque, New Mexico about two weekends ago that is still cloaked in secrecy much the same way Stalin and Lenin ruthlessly oversaw the deaths of countless at the height of their totalitarian regimes.  

D: Man! Who is who in the Republican Party? Didn’t Nazi Germany invade the Soviet Union in 1941 after Hitler and Stalin agreed to a pact in 1939 that divvied Eastern Europe between them?

M: Dude! That’s the reason why democracy in the hands of a diversifying constituency needs to be defended and held sacred. You think the people staging protest on behalf of Morsi or Assad are doing so of their own volition?

D: Man! No?

M: Dude! Exactly! Morsi and Assad are giving their defenders compensation of multiple sorts in order to cling onto their oppressive ideals. Like the Koch brothers, Morsi and Assad are intent on deregulating government and cutting all the safety nets for the disenfranchised. This leads to chaos, which is the perfect social state for people like the Koch Brothers. The more chaos, the hotter their pockets get.

D: Man! You mean that the Republican Party actually pays people to attend their rallies and demonstrations?

M: Dude! Yes! If Arianna Huffington can load a bus to attend a rally as she did not too long ago, imagine what kinds of bus and plane rides the billionaires of the Republican Party can promise in return for organized protest.

D: Man! That’s where the Karl Rove PAC money goes? To fund the image of protest and far-right concerns in a selected group of hecklers?

M: Dude! The Koch brothers have been studiously pursuing what is essentially dirty politics and even dirtier money channeling from the likes of dictatorial regimes abroad.

D: Man! Who’s on the other side?

M: Dude! The George H.W. and George W. Bush presidencies laid the foundation for big time cheating and charades. The Bush Dynasty intermingled with the likes of foreign oil and fraudulent oversea contractors who were hired because they promised much more than they could afford or were willing to put in the time to accomplish so everybody in the pact could pocket major dollars.

D: Man! And Senators Lindsey Graham and John McCain are still wanting to reinvestigate Benghazi, Libya?

M: Dude! They are in on the hoax as well. The Republican Party of the United States is in deep waters but refuses to take their training fins off and try to swim separately from special interests and lobbyists. Folks like Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor made a deal with head honchos like the Koch brothers and the tax-evading weasel-ferret Norquist.

D: Man! Other than their ties to the head honchos, they are pretty weak candidates for public office. Their talking points are incongruous and their mathematics still consists of manipulating an abacus. So what kind of Barbie is trending nowadays?

M: Dude! There’s the Mars Explorer Barbie equipped with pink oxygen tank and space boots. It was launched after collaborative design tips from NASA’s Extravehicular Suit Team. There is a six-wheeled science laboratory that is available for purchase. I did not feel like taking the time to buy and then play make believe with the girls. I’m feeling really tired out by the summer scorch. I am counting down to the fall.

D: Man! You know it’s a six-minute descent through the Martian atmosphere that the astronauts have to endure second-by-second?

M: Dude! That’s really something! But did you hear about the magenta planet that was discovered over the weekend? It’s actually too far away right now, but its name is GJ 504b and it is four times the weight of Jupiter.

D: Man! A huge hot pink planet just in time for Mars Explorer Barbie!  

Man! Dude! Session #182

(D)ude: Man! I was reasoning, with myself just now, about being a Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson combination medical researcher, particularly a physician.

(M)an: Dude! Is that right? If so, it’s no big thing. I’ve dreamt of being Holmes and Watson, but not as a combo pack but individually.

D: Man! The modern version of me being they would entail such spectacle. I would be able to deduce incredibly, so that I could just look at the way a gent or gal slurped up their finality of a strawberry milkshake and come to a conclusive answer as to that particular patient’s vitality and strength to supersede the gods and goddesses.

M: Dude! You could basically glean answers from the most unrelated realities in an individual’s life or 

the lives of individuals and diagnose or prognosticate upon their spheres of existence?

D: Man! I feel really vulnerable after sharing such an innermost revelation!

M: Dude! I attend Gumbi’s graduation party every night in my sleep! And, get this, Gumbi actually appears fully equipped for a skydiving expedition and refuses to eat his cake in order to not be too full to nosedive out of the plane.

D: Man! Huh? The only time I’ve had the vision of that cartoon character has been in reruns on public television or SNL classics from the seventies.

M: Dude! Remember the shadows cast on my bedroom ceiling due to the installment of that ceiling fan that always manages to sway right and left on its hinges whenever it’s manipulated! Remember?

D: Man! I don’t know about any one particular ceiling fan, all of the installments that you have set up in your place have been unsteady and swaying. Reminds me of the latest adult film by Ashton Kutcher. I never knew the former second husband of Demi Moore’s to be into blue theatrics.

M: Dude! Ashton Kutcher is in an adult film? That’s nothing to be surprised about. Ashton Kutcher’s face resembles naughty bits, don’t you think?

D: Man! Josh Gad’s long and curly hair are so saturated with hair tonic at times whenever onscreen with Ashton Kutcher’s limping bangs, the two men look like cheap car sales men who got a shot in the dark to accompany Tom Jones’ troupe, but chose to take a detour through the adult film industry instead.  

M: Dude! Josh Gad’s hair take on the texture of a rat’s when not saturated with some kind of hair tonic, while Ashton Kutcher’s portrayal of any serious character onscreen comprises of making as constipated a face as possible with the signature pursed lips and semi-crossed brows.

D: Man! Josh Gad and Ashton Kutcher need to be thrown to the cleaners. I don’t think my aunt’s dry cleaning facility would be able to scrub the unkempt all-over rottenness that the two sleazes’ characters resonate throughout their films. 

M: Dude! Adult film stars Gad and Kutcher need to understand their allotment in Hollywood alongside adult film has-beens.  

D: Man! Would a good hair conditioner be able to resolve the texture of Josh Gad’s profane hair?

M: Dude! I think Kutcher and Gad’s hair were stranded profanities. As far as a conditioner being able to reconcile such vileness, I think not.

D: Man! Not even Revlon?

M: Dude! What’s up with Revlon?

D: Man! You’re the one who introduced me to the packets of conditioners that accompany every hair dye kit, remember?

M: Dude! I always utilize the packets of conditioner that come with the dye, don’t I?

D: Man! No! If not always, you certainly have on many occasions opted out of using the conditioning packets for the Head & Shoulders.

M: Dude! Head & Shoulders is a great shampoo, but Revlon is hands down the best brand of conditioner and hair dye out there.

D: Man! Have you noticed how I’ve started coloring and styling my hair?

M: Dude! No kidding?

D: Man! Yes! Look! They’re soft and manageable, regardless of how much time I spend drying and combing them after every application.

M: Dude! Since when have you gotten spiffy and conscious about grey hair?

D: Man! Two months ago? Either that or at least sometime after my niece’s spring break, I’m not exactly sure.

M: Dude! How is she? Did she have a hand to play in your sudden self-awareness?

D: Man! She’s doing absolutely fine and, yes, she played a major part in my suddenly undertaking high maintenance grooming customs.

M: Dude! You’ve never been an adaptable personality! This is impressive!

D: Man! I informed my niece that, however unprofessional and unethical, I would be visiting her practice and seeking services from her no matter what she was administering, as long as it did not involve dental work or ocular manipulations.

M: Dude! Ocular manipulations?

D: Man! I’ve heard a lot about how Lasik eye surgery has become more sophisticated, but that cannot erase the fact that my Uncle Walter’s still mistaking his wife for the gardener.

M: Dude! That is understandable. If I lived with someone so gung ho about her air fresheners and bug repellents, as is Uncle Walter’s wife, I would too be in an identification stupor myself!

D: Man! Could be the inhalants? I think so. I read somewhere that you had to do thrice as many word finds or at least an extra crossword puzzle as you inhaled cans of these sprays in order to makeup for the net loss in brain cells.

Man! Dude! Session #181

(M)an: Dude! Jeff Bezos of Amazon purchased The Washington Post for $250 million dollars today and the Koch Brothers are in the prospects of acquiring the Tribune newspapers. I wonder what kind of political affiliations Bezos will build in the upcoming years, besides having started his ascension in the Grey Poupon league of American financiers.  

(D)ude: Man! There’s a Grey Poupon league of American financiers? Very interesting! I always wondered what particular uses there were for maintaining a Rolls Royce automotive or, even more dreadful than that, an entire fleet of such luxury vehicles. But you have answered my question multifold and, I am afraid, I may not have much to say about that particular point you just made as a result of the substantiality of the answer you gave.

M: Dude! The substantiality of the answer I just gave? You’re beginning to sound as if you too have an honorary membership in the Grey Poupon league of American financiers! Knock it off!

D: Man! Do you think we could dress up in those tuxedos that sustained such irreparable damages that the formal wear rental shop owners just threw their hands up in despair and gifted them to us to wash and wear in return for the guarantee that we would not return?

M: Dude! I don’t know about the tuxedos, that wedding was fifteen years ago. And I think, I may be mistaken, that we both are too misshapen to fit ourselves into the otherwise perfect potential costume party garb.

D: Man! You think we’ve gained weight? Yeah, I admit that I cannot comfortably fit into my fitted tees and rely on my loose fitting sports tees. If you by happenchance come across a Texas Occidental Franchise University tee, let me know, okay?

M: Dude! You bought TOFU shirts?

D: Man! No! A couple of guys at work came across some white TOFU tees, the kind that have the tiny emblem close to the chest area, and the quality of the fabric was astonishingly unlike TOFU, cultured and subtle.

M: Dude! I will make sure to spread some Grey Poupon on all the tees’ emblems, no matter how inconspicuous they may be.

D: Man! That’s an excellent idea! Let’s make a Grey Poupon sophisticates-versus-watered down condiments that stay on the restaurant tables untouched by the staff, hence overly caked up and unhygienic as a result.  

M: Dude! Don’t tell that to the conservatives. Let them pour from those grimy glass condiment vials with the eroded ketchup or dressing tops and tips.

D: Man! I’ve been reading the epic slapstick memoir of a father’s final sins entitled After Visiting Friends by Michael Hainey. It is the best summer read thus far.

M: Dude! So what’s it like to read? Have you finished reading it in time for me to read it as well before it’s due back at the public library?

D: Man! I rechecked it just so you could also experience the cleverness within the overall metaphorical angst of the author over not having had his father’s company after the age of  eight years.

M: Dude! It sounds like a promising melody of Lionel Richie’s right before Lionel starts heavily panting his laments. Don’t get me wrong, I anticipate All Night Long or Dancing on the Ceiling before being hunkered down with Hello or Say You, Say Me.   

D: Man! Initially, I thought Michael Hainey should visit my parents. My father would dad him up. There’s an extra bedroom where he would stay with a desk and revolving chair to address plausible epiphanies on paper after entire days with my father. Yeah, my father would dad him well.

M: Dude! You’re father can resuscitate and reenergize the spirits of Kim Jong-un and all four of Mohamed Morsi’s exasperatingly oppressive sons towards the adoption of democratic tomorrows for North Korea and Egypt.

D: Man! Tom Moffett and Natty Bumppo are classic characters out of the pages of Michael Hainey’s late father’s life story. They do not disappoint for even a moment. They actually have the best lines in the entire flick.

M: Dude! It’s nonfiction, right? And it’s a book, yes?

D: Man! No, it’s more like nonfiction left. But, yes, it is a book.

M: Dude! You just lost me there!

D: Man! I’ll be sure to assist you in finding your way around existentially. I promise.

M: Dude! I don’t need existential assistance! If you could just hand over the book sometime before the end of this week, I assure you I will look after myself adequately.

D: Man! Now, are you sure about this? Adequate is not enough for one’s soul’s replenishment.

M: Dude! Enough already!

D: Man! You’re getting very Jong-un and Morsi. Do you want to talk about it?   

M: Dude! What is it?

D: Man! Lionel Richie’s b-sides sure have you in a slump. How about some of Joan Jett’s b-sides?

M: Dude! I know! I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll will jumpstart my existential blasé at the moment.

D: Man! Just tell me when, I’ll schedule you into my father’s schedule.

M: Dude! My father dads me up sufficiently. Enough said.

D: Man! That’s good to hear. Actually, I could use some of your father’s insight. You know what I think he would say? He’d definitely sound off the alarm at the bringing up of such existential malaises like Kim Jong-un and Morsi’s sons.

M: Dude! Dude! Dude!

D: Man! That’s the way! Laugh out and embrace your own a-side anthem! Hey, by the way, would that be Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar or Lita Ford’s Kiss Me?

M: Dude! Definitely the latter!

D: Man! Enough said. I prefer the former anyways.

M: Dude! What if the Koch Brothers were to buy Wikipedia? What then?

D: Man! John Boehner would be the man with the answers in Washington, Paul Ryan would be the philosopher extraordinaire, Rand Paul would be the humanitarian, Newt Gingrich will have usurped the Nobel Economics Prize somewhere in current history, and John McCain will have burped up a couple of medallions of peace himself while castigating the disenfranchised, which would never be broadcast. 

Except for Google News, that is.

M: Dude! I cannot imagine living in the world of Koch, especially with Republican Muppets and a segregated Sesame Street where Grover insists upon serving restaurant goers with fly-infested soup deliberately.

D: Man! And Oscar the Grouch being artificially selected in the evolutionary bigotry because Donald Trump likes everything green or gold.

M: Dude! In that case, Big Bird too would be elevated to specialness, hence, perpetuation.

D: Man! A totalitarian regime on Mister Rogers would annihilate the cultural differences and star just 

the princes Tuesday and Wednesday.

M: Dude! Koch would insist on the animal puppetry not be enmeshed with human representations, which would, according to the Grand Old Party, be the precursor of a time of excessive peachy felt everywhere.

D: Man! The infestation of peachy felt frightens me immensely!

M:: Dude! Imagine a world with just yellow yarn!

D: Man! Yikes!