The Mandatory Minimum Memory Lapses for the United States Press Corps & Republican Party

(D)ude: Man! Where are you? I’ve got some information to feed into a surround and sound system before I forget it myself.

(M)an: Dude! I’m right here! Look! Hello!

D: Man! This stuff is critical! Remember it! Jeff Bridges married in 1977 and he and his wife of since have parented three daughters one of whom just recently delivered a healthy daughter named Grace.

M: Dude! Okay. Anything else? I’m guessing this information is critical for the only reason that Jeff Bridges is entering into the political sphere. Do I have that correct?

D: Man! Jeff Bridges has a brother ten years his senior named Beau who married and had two children and then divorced to remarry a second time and sire four additional children for a grand total of six children altogether.

M: Dude! Okay? How is this relevant or pertain to Jeff Bridges and his newfound pastime politics?

D: Man! Hear me out! Jeff Bridges and his brother are the sons of an actor as well. They both starred opposite Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. Their father married his high school sweetheart but died in 1986 in his nineties but she survived and is going steady with the memories of yesteryears.  

M: Dude! Hold on! Wait! Jeff Bridges’ father was in his nineties when he passed away in 1986? Then his high school sweetheart would be nearing the impossible of having survived past one hundred and twenty years! Are you sure you haven’t mistaken the details from the Holy Book with trivia concerning Jeff Bridges’ life?

D: Man! Seriously? You may be onto something here! I guess the information I am feeding into the system is erred beyond repair? Are you sure you cannot process corrections later at a time convenient for you?

M: Dude! Now you want be to process corrections on my own? Why would I want to consume any amount of time on attaining trivia about Jeff Bridges?

D: Man! He’s a good man. He’s got the same wife since 1977 and they have three daughters and a newly arrived granddaughter these days.

M: Dude! Are you employed inside the American Press Corps?  

D: Man! I may be. I am suffering the mandatory minimum lapses in memory and judgment needed for membership inside the United States Press Corps, aren’t I? Do you know whether I have ever mentioned colleagues named Chris Cuomo and Jake Tapper? I think I’ve got a pair of unnumbered eyeglasses to prove my lacking of wholesome goodness since taking some charge in the United States Press Corps.  

M: Dude! Perhaps. It is not unlikely. The lapses have spread onto Kevin Spacey as well. He attended the Primetime Emmys with, like Cuomo and Tapper, another ABC to CNN transfer named Ashleigh Banfield. The American Press Corps is so elemental that one cannot protect oneself from its elements of inadequacy, no matter how many seasons you’ve completed as the radiant symmetric Francis Underwood in Netflix’s House of Cards to Robin Wright’s coordinately intense Claire Underwood.   

D: Man! Did you know the word integrity runs off the pages of dictionaries whenever Texas Governor Rick Perry call it out by name?

M: Dude! It’s a recorded phenomenon now that Rick Perry’s got an official mug shot since being indicted on two felony accounts. Did you know that Republican strategist

Steve Schmidt elicits a similar response from the word brainpower?

D: Man! No wonder Steve Schmidt’s on Rick Perry’s criminal defense team. I think both men are on something else as well but have not been able to trace Perry’s stupefaction and Schmidt’s fatuousness to any substances whatsoever other than that they were too scrape and shallow for anybody other than the Republican Party. Together, Perry and Schmidt are gung ho about bringing back the days of Harding, Coolidge, and Hoover’s presidencies. The lineup is ever the more asinine with Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush, and George Prescott Bush.

M: Dude! You brought up unnumbered eyeglasses a few moments back. Could you expound upon what you meant? Do you remember the frame of reference?

D: Man! What? You believe I have become too high on green like the United States Press Corps to remember my train of thought? I’ve got multiple trains of thoughts running every which way but correctly, so is the journalistic disrepair in the United States. If it weren’t for Rachel Maddow tracking the story out of Austin, Travis County, Texas, Rick Perry would be running in his bodysuit with his laser gun in a fanny pack around his waist, insisting the garb be given the prestige of having been worn by him, a man without any knowledge of his own inflated ego and deflated intellect. Steve Schmidt is Rick Perry’s equal in this regard, as are Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, Jeb Bush and George Prescott Bush, and Newt Gingrich and Dick Cheney.

M: Dude! With names like that defining the Republican Party, it’s not worth much noting the words integrity and brainpower running for dear life, just like the Austin, Travis County, Texas coyotes Governor Rick Perry killed with his laser gun on his daily run-ins with Southern wildlife.

D: Man! Governor Rick Perry is Southern wildlife! He seriously thought he would get away with having his mug shot taken with those false eyeglasses resting atop his smeller. They asked Rick Perry what number prescription he wore over and over again and he steadfastly answered with a random letter out of the alphabet every time. Yeah, it’s guys like Rick Perry and Steve Schmidt that the United States Press Corps chooses to align itself with, so there’s no question that if the American people do not register and then vote for the Democratic Ticket in the 2014 Midterm Elections, the United States is headed for Republican leadership that chooses to wear eyeglasses with a prescription number of zero point zero. Just bringing up the topics we’ve covered just now, I can feel the extent of the influence that the United States of America will be under if the American people choose not to register and then vote! What’s the difference again between gerrymandering and mandarins?

M: Dude! Wow! You are definitely exhibiting signs of membership inside of the American Press Corps! Quick! Get Kevin Spacey to calibrate Ashleigh Banfield’s eyeglasses and see whether she answers in numbers or letters. Hurry! Kevin Spacey is going to be leaving the country soon and leaving folks like us behind as he seeks refuge from the hanky-panky the Republican Party and the American Press Corps are planning to coordinate in September and October and then consummate on Election Day, Tuesday, November 4, 2014.