Man! Dude! Session #128

(D)ude: Man! I stopped by the Dollar Store and came upon the Bill O’Reilly library of bestsellers coauthored with and without Martin Dugard.

(M)an: Dude! Seriously? You can actually pre-order his next bragging mea culpa for his  equally bumptious conservative followers… It is entitled Killing Jesus.   

D: Man! He couldn’t let go of Killing Lincoln and Killing Kennedy and now Killing Jesus? As Bill O’Reilly’s psychotherapist and/or physician, I would diagnose him with the compulsion to revert to the notion that the Republican Party won the White House.

M: Dude! I don’t get this either! It appears the periwig rash has taken over any rationality amongst the GOP!

D: Man! Donald Trump is headed out to the CPAC 2013 three-day convention of rallying and considerable miasmal ruckus.

M: Dude! You got the current stock market that is way out of the ballpark of crashing as Wall Street insisted last year. Yet the House Republicans continue to insist on taking apart that which is not even relatable to decreasing the debt, draconian entitlement cuts.

D: Man! There’s a far greater chance of Paul Ryan’s previous proposal drafts being found at Parisian marches aux puces than anywhere online or within the continental United States.

M: Dude! The most significant swap meet of the millennium is coming up in 2014. House Republicans up for reelection must be met with Democratic contenders who are authentic and robust. If Senator Harry Reid’s sequester remedies are being outright filibustered by Senator Mitch McConnell, this could only mean that Senator McConnell is too confident about his being reelected this November.

D: Man! It means that Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul are collaboratively trying to create an image of themselves as the conservative crusaders who are in actuality obstructing justice. McConnell and Paul want the poor to subsist exclusively on Ramen Noodles and tap water. Home heating is gong to be cut due to the Republican Party’s efforts at preserving the sequestration budget cuts.

M: Dude! I believe the Republican Party is going after the home heating to override Hillary Clinton’s request that all homes in Africa be equipped with stovetops.

D: Man! Hillary Clinton’s recommendation came during the Benghazi hearing! I remember that because Senator Rand Paul addressed Hillary Clinton quite gratingly, like a Mother Goose villain who by a fable’s end gets proven a huffing duffer.

M: Dude! Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul speak through blowholes, not mouths. I bet they would perish at sea if they were killer whales because their reprehensible and repeating fate is that of destruction and disaster.

D: Man! The House of Representatives has such high density of collective bad karma that John Boehner and Eric Cantor recess often and reconvene rarely.

M: Dude! Boehner and Cantor and Paul Ryan convene often, away from Capitol Hill but often nonetheless.

D: Man! I bet they take their lunch breaks not in restaurants, but at organic grocery stores where they load up on healthy yet tasteless cuisine and frozen yogurt.

M: Dude! I am not going to the Sunflower Shoppe! The customer service at the frozen yogurt station is as appalling as the GOP caucus. And, besides, McDonald’s  down the same boulevard has far more hygienic practices concerning their ice cream machines.

D: Man! Corporations are making record-breaking profits, yet Bill O’Reilly and the GOP want to snatch every morsel of integrity and self-efficacy from America’s disenfranchised.

M: Dude! So Bill O’Reilly’s bestsellers are perched on the shelves of the Dollar Store?

D: Man! There’s an eight-cent tax included if you buy one book. But I had a twenty-dollar bill.  Hence buying the Bill O’Reilly collection of books, I dropped them off at a Goodwill Donation Center nearby.

M: Dude! I thought you were upset over Ron Paul and the Texas GOP ending the third Wednesday storewide fifty-percent discounts that Goodwill Superstores offered every month.

D: Man! I couldn’t keep myself from donating the dollar worth Bill O’Reilly bogus books to Goodwill Industries! I’ve seen a lot of Tea Party Republicans’ books on the shelves at the dollar store, but the Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Donald Rumsfeld, George W. Bush, Condoleezza Rice, and Jeb Bush collection of chick lit cannot rival with the chick lit of O’Reilly and Dugard.

M: Dude! Chick lit? Are you meaning whether the chicken came before the egg or after, or are you referencing the kind of lit that Jacqueline Susann invented in the sixties and Candace Bushnell commercialized on in the nineties?

D: Man! That’s it!

M: Dude! The chicken came before the egg?

D: Man! You’re beginning to sound like Oklahoman Senator Jim Inhofe and Arizonan Senator John McCain, who sit on committees like the Armed Services for example and demand yes and no answers as if the they are unaware of any other means of existence besides black and white.

M: Dude! Maybe Inhofe and McCain need to berate each other by alternating positions between the questioning and the questioned.

D: Man! Now you’re really making sense! About time! See? Didn’t I tell you how wonderful the absurdity is?

M: Dude! Bill O’Reilly’s previous works without Dugard were not as popular or well received. Clearly, Martin Dugard is the one with the pants on. O’Reilly? Probably just running around in circles at Faux News trying to get the latest on yesterday’s latest!