Parliamentary Procedurals by [Alverston Associate] Harry Nigel Wright

Parliamentary Procedurals by [Alverston Associate] Harry Nigel Wright

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2013

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: Order! Order! The Waterfowl Allegiance of Candle Ridge shall come to order. Do we have a quorum?

Secretary Tree Squirrel Fantasia: Yes! The Honorable Justice Plutarch shall now address missing fellows. The first case to be brought before the Council of Peers and Parties is that of Lady Snow Goose Enid Lawless. Lady Lawless has been missing for approximately three hours.

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: How many missing varmints have we to consider today?

Councilmember Muscovy Duck Addison: We have a visitor amongst us today who claims to be an appropriate temporary replacement for Lady Lawless. I would like to call on Newcomer Unconditioned American Eskimo Doggie Natalie Denise.

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: The chair recognizes Newcomer Unconditioned American Eskimo Doggie Natalie Denise.

Newcomer Unconditioned American Eskimo Doggie Natalie Denise: I defer my judgment to Councilmember Muscovy Duck Addison.

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: The chair recognizes Councilmember Muscovy Duck Addison on behalf of Newcomer Unconditioned American Eskimo Doggie Natalie Denise. What’s the rationale of having a plausible devourer before us, Addison?

Councilmember Muscovy Duck Addison: Your Honor, I stand before you today knowing what I am about to say might disrupt the equilibrium of our habitat. But I submit to you my every feather if the canine devourer before us today were to cause intentional harm.

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: We need not pluck feathers today over this matter, Addison. But, tell me, how do you define intentional harm and what constitutes unintentional harm?

Councilmember Muscovy Duck Addison: The devourer is just a puppy, Your Honor! She knows not what constitutes nipping and biting for she has foregone those bad habits in the comfort of a responsible household where her siblings were all disciplined with tea-soaked cookies and adopted, except she. Natalie Denise has come to Candle Ridge Park and never intends to return home. I think she believes she is bestowed with a tall tail like the one bestowed upon newborn squirrels for them to grow into eventually.

Secretary Tree Squirrel Fantasia: Now don’t start with my suborder and dare not go near my family, Addison! I have had it up to the highest treetops with you and your kind!

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: Order! Order!

Councilmember Muscovy Duck Addison: Anseriformes!

Secretary Tree Squirrel Fantasia: Rodentia!

Newcomer Unconditioned American Eskimo Doggie Natalie Denise: Carnivora!

Councilmember Johnny Boehner Barfly: Ohio 8! Yes, bar transporting minors to get abortions! Yes, ban partial-birth abortions! Yes, ban family planning funding in US aid abroad! Yes, restrict interstate transport of minors to get abortions! No, do not allow human embryonic stem cell research! No, do not expand research into the investigation of more embryonic stem cell lines!   

Councilmember Eric Cantor Cat’s-paw: Virginia 7! No, do not commit $192 billion on additional anti-recession stimulus spending! No, do not modify bankruptcy rules to avoid mortgage foreclosures! No, do not commit $825 billion for the economic recovery package! No, do not enforce monitoring TARP funds to ensure more mortgage relief. No, do not bailout GM and Chrysler in the amount of $15 billion! No, do not implement the $60 billion dollar stimulus package for jobs, infrastructure, and energy! No, do not resuscitate public housing in the United States!

Councilmember Kevin McCarthy Mountebank: California 23! Just say no to drugs! Just say no to civil unions because marriage is defined as one-man-one-woman! Support the ten commandments and abstinence-only sex education! Let’s ban federal health coverage including abortion! Let’s build more prisons and uphold the death penalty!  

Councilmember Cathy Catty McMorris Rodgers Rhea: Washington 5! Just say no to prohibiting job discrimination based on sexual orientation! Just say no to enforcing laws to protect the LGBT community against hate crimes! Just say no to $40 billion dollars for greener public schools! Just say no to an additional $10.2 billion for federal education and health and human services programs and projects! 

Councilmember James Jimmy Lankford Lamprey: Oklahoma 5! I am all of the above, from what Johnny said to what Cathy just got done telling!

Councilmember Lynn Jenkins Jingoist: Kansas 2! I second that! I just want to share a telling they forgot and I remember! Oops! I’ve forgotten! But you may see my stances listed at house.ontheissues.org!

Councilmember Virginia Foxx Fink: North Carolina 5! I stand by my predecessors and would like to give the floor over to my proceeding colleague!

Councilmember Greg Walden Whelp: Oregon 2! If I may, I would like to offer my support to those who came before me. Councilmember Johnny, Councilmember Eric-

Justice Swan Goose Plutarch: Order! Quiet in the chamber! Councilmember Greg, would you please proceed to the bench! Hmm… Hmm… Upon listening to of all eight of you that have come after 

Newcomer Unconditioned American Eskimo Doggie Natalie-Denise, I have concluded you are not worthy of even your own countrymen and countrywomen and lack the much-needed feathers for a good old plucking, which all eight of you deservedly are due!

Secretary Tree Squirrel Fantasia: If I may speak for just a second or more? I do detect a feather or four upon the necks of all eight of these bipedal scapegrace poltroons! And they call themselves the sapient!

Parliamentary Procedurals by [Alverston Associate] Harry Nigel Wright