Cultural Criticism

Original Publication Date: Thursday, May 27, 2010, by Alverston & Associates

The Inappropriate Autoimmune-Hostage Negotiator

Phil: “I am going to kill myself!”

Negotiator: “Wait! Wait! Phil! Let’s put everything into perspective.”

Phil: “Nietzsche would do the same!”

Negotiator: “Put things into perspective?”

Phil: “What’s up with you?

Negotiator: “That was quite ridiculous-“

Phil: “I am not!”

Negotiator: “On my part, that is…”

Phil: “Yes! You all have agendas and envision brighter futures for the generations after, forgetting the equal likelihood of begetting a Cain as you could an Abel!”

Negotiator: “We will pardon your crimes, Phil! Bare in mind, these are white collar crimes.”

Phil: “White collar crimes against society! Did you hear that! An institution! That’s what it is and that’s where I’ll be heading now! I’d just rather end it! Do you hear me?”

Negotiator: “I hear you and admire your heroism.”

Phil: “Nietzsche would do the same!”

Negotiator: “Put down the gun, Phil. It’s pointing at your crotch!”

Phil: “That’s all you care about, huh? Trying to put me down like I’m some kind of cartoon!”

Negotiator: “I do not want you to suffer in the harshest ways imaginable.”

Phil: “I might as well release the trigger and end things on my end of this bargain called Life. I know about the chances of my surviving the gunshot wound and being hospitalized and incapable of much. But I am also aware that I’ll be burdening taxpayers across this nation as a result of the result of my survival.”

Negotiator: “You’re insight is phenomenal, Phil! Please put the gun down and-“

Phil: “You’re wanting me to believe in myself! I do not! I do not!”

Negotiator: “Yes, I do!”

Phil: “Why?”

Negotiator: “You’re guaranteed just as much out of this life than anyone of the rest of us.”

Phil: “Us? You’re trying to get me to convert to something other than what I already am?”

Negotiator: “No, I’m not trying to impose upon your core values or personhood.”

Phil: “Then why not leave me alone? Let me be.”

Negotiator: “But you do not wish to be!”

Phil: “Oh, thanks for reminding me!”

Negotiator: “Wait, Phil! Nietzsche would do the same!”

Phil: “What do you know about wounded souls?”

Negotiator: “Nietzsche suffered the anguishes that accompany a life of harrowing depression and equal parts mania.”

Phil: “Nietzsche died in his sister’s care!”

Negotiator: “I care!”

Phil: “Nobody cares! You’re just invested in these bogus affairs for an opportunity to make a living and a life apart from this dirt.”

Negotiator: “This is not dirt! It is something significantly more than ashes and dust mixed with water! It’s Humanity and you’re entitled to exist in it as you wish, Phil.”

Phil: “But I’m gay! Tell me, how am I to face a future with a significant other in this nation? David Sedaris makes a life with his boyfriend Hugh in France! I cannot afford to drive myself outside of Texas!”

Negotiator: “Life can become a sham from time to time… But it doesn’t necessitate or legitimize inflicted pain upon the self and others.”

Phil: “Lies inflict pain!”

Negotiator: “Lies inflict pain sometimes. Sometimes lies are what make tomorrows possible.”

Phil: “Well, there’s one thing’s that’s for sure.”

Negotiator: “What is that, Phil?”

Phil: “You’re definitely not trying to convert me to something you’re not a part of completely yourself. You practice what you preach, that’s what my gut’s leading me to believe at the moment.”

Negotiator: “Do you trust your gut?”

Phil: “Well, after today… I’ll trust it after I give it twenty-four hours to digest out the acid and asceticism. You know… The Sedona Method?”

Negotiator: “Let’s discuss it over coffee. Hand over the gun and get the sergeant to brew a pot.”

Original Publication Date: Thursday, May 27, 2010 by Alverston & Associates

The Inappropriate Autoimmune-Hostage Negotiator